Small Setbacks

So ... I love this city. I love its energy, its people, its opportunity. I have been meeting people, making business relationships, and going on auditions. The city makes me incredibly tired though. All of the walking and carry the day's necessities on my back has started to take its toll on my lower back and hips. I am exhausted by the end of the day, but I sleep like a baby. I feel so at home.

However, today I went to an open chorus call for a Broadway show and completely freaked out. I was #151 and knew that I wouldn't be seen for another 3.5 hours so I decided instead of changing into my auditions dress, I would just sit and watch the other ladies. And this is when I the Vampire of Self-Doubt starts talking to me. They are all so much more prepared and put together than I am. Hair curled, show-period appropriate dresses, skinny buff bods and looking every bit the Broadway chorus gals that I am not. So I left. And didn't go back. I knew that if I had stayed I would not have done well and would have felt horrible about myself.

And the thing is, I felt smooshy for about an hour, but then I felt great that I didn't stay. Because I got a lot of life stuff accomplished this afternoon and actually learned what I needed to about where the bar is set at these auditions. Tomorrow I will know. Tomorrow I will stay and blow those skinny bitches out of the water.

Daily Activities for My Career:
Last Tuesday - Met with a coach/manager
Wednesday - Submitted headshots and resumes
Thursday - Went to the Equity building and picked up my card so I could audition
Friday - First NYC audition as an Equity member! Go team
Saturday - Supported my friends by going to see two shows (one out in Brooklyn, the other out in Queens. I'm a great friend)
Sunday - "Brief Encounter" matinee and was completely inspired and reminded of the reason I do theatre.
Today - One great audition, one attempt audition that resulted in valuable info for the future

Mm ... For the Smell of It

So .. Tonight I saw my first opera ... in HD in the Lincoln Center plaza outside of the Met. I was a filmed version of the Met's production of Carmen by Bizet and it was fan-fucking-tastic. How have I gone 32 years and never experienced an opera? It's beautiful music, beautiful costumes, and tons of drama. It's like every Saturday night of my life!

But as I was sitting on my pillow in front of the fountain in front of Lincoln Center, I was hit with the realization of how much I love the smell of a city. As I sat there, I caught whiffs of steak, and perfume, and Thai food, and wine and dirt and industry. And it all mingled into this unforgettable and delicious smell. I know it sounds crazy, but I LOVE that smell.

When I lived in Chicago, I lived at 863 W Roscoe with a gal pal from college. And one beautiful spring day, I opened a window and took a deep breath and remarked about how much I loved the smell of the city. She very plainly explained to me how much of a freak I was (and apparently still am). Not long after, she moved out to the suburbs where the cleaner smell of fresh cut grass and oxygen are much more prevalent. However, for me, the smell of cities are like pheromones. I crave it. It's home to me.

Daily Activity for My career:
Being inspired by a production at the best opera house in America. What more do you need?

The New Beginning

So ... I made it to NYC and I am writing on my couch as I listen to the music from a block party a few streets away. I love this town! I am loving my neighborhood, how easy it is to get around in this city AND I love that I have so many good friends close by.

Last night, I met up with about 8 good friends from my grad school days, some I had seen recently, some I hadn't seen in about 4 years! But it was great to reconnect with everyone and to know that we are all still following our dreams in this biz in some capacity.

And now for my challenge: One thing everyday for my career? Hm, that seems to have gone by the wayside, hasn't it? Well, there is nothing set in stone that says I can't start over. I am giving myself the weekend to continue settling in and then I will hit it on Tuesday!

PS - A big ol' black lady just walked past my window singing to Jesus at the top of her lungs! That's the second person I've heard today just singing it out in public. And not for money. Just cuz it feels good to sing in the sunshine!

No Pain, No Gain

So .. I don't know of any actor who travels as much as I do to attend all of these auditions. Today I am four states away for a callback for a theatre I have already worked for and will for in the fall. The callback went well, but I get the sense that I am not their idea of a musical theatre performer. Sure, I'm a good actress b/c they keep hiring me for that, but a singer? Forget it.

I don't think it was totally fruitless, however. I sang a new audition piece and it went well. I learned some other valuable things about auditioning, so it was beneficial. But worth the airfare, rental car and hotel room ... probably not.

I was chatting backstage with a woman in my cast (the whole cast is female so that doesn't really narrow it down) and she was telling me about all of the men she dated before her husband. All of the men were "great on paper" guys, but she felt that something was missing. Each time she broke it off hoping that she would find a man who was not only "great on paper" but also had that missing quality she was looking for. She finally met him at a voice conference and he was the exact opposite of everything she had always been attracted to, but she knew right away that this was the man for her. In her words, she had to date those other men and have the courage to break it off with them with the belief she would find someone better in order "to earn" her husband. While the story does give me hope for my personal life, I feel like it has a more significant application to my professional life.

I think I have to go through all of these expensive, exhausting experiences in order "to earn" my success. That all of this will pay off someday in the connections and impressions I have made. If I can just have the courage and perseverance to keep on keepin' on, I will "earn" what I am striving for. Step twp: figure out what I'm striving for ...

Daily Activities for My Career:
Today: Callback with kick-ass new audition song
Tomorrow: Write thank you notes, start 2nd weekend of shows

Tempus Fugit ... Or Something

So … I have 13 days until I leave for NYC and I have started panicking. Not the kind of panic where you’re crouched in a corner rocking back and forth. No, not yet. But every time I think about all that has to be done before I leave, my stomach starts to hurt and I want to drink it away with a handle of whiskey.

I’m just not ready to pack up my whole life again. I’ve gotten so used to packing just enough – just what I need to survive for 6 weeks here and 5 weeks there – that the thought of packing an entire life is paralyzing. I keep feeling like I should be packing only what will fit in my Escape. But no, this time I have a 10 ft truck. And anyone who lives in NYC knows that an NYC bedroom isn’t big enough to hold 10 feet’s worth of crap.

So I’ve given myself daily projects. Like, “Today, I will pack my winter clothes.” or “Today, I will pack just my theatre books.” Trouble is, I’m pretty sure there are more categories than there are days left. Someone needs to light a fire …

Daily Activities for My Career:
Today: two auditions at my agent’s office. One for a TV commercial that is clearly a Progressive knock-off and for a voice-over. I’m pretty sure I won’t get either seeing as how I just wanted to get them over with so I could get home a continue stressing about moving.
Tomorrow: flying to another state for a callback. I can’t wait until I live in NYC and all of the auditions/callbacks are in one place!!!

My Dirty Little Secret

So ... I realize what a horrible blogger I've been. I can blame it on this city that makes me lazy or the fact that I opened my show last night (more on that later), but really it's my own fault and lack of discipline. I started this blog as a way to keep myself accountable to doing something every day for my career and in interest of full disclosure and accountability, I'm going to use this post as a confessional.

I'm lazy. There I said it.

And I'm easily distracted.

And I have an addiction to Facebook. Specifically a FB game.

A lot of people joke that they are addicted to this FB or to the stupid games that are on there, but when I say I'm addicted, I mean it. I created a whole other FB account just to play more of this game. And then I created another. And another. That's right folks. I have four FB accounts just to play this one game. I'm well aware how sad and pathetic this makes me sound, but I told you, I'm in confession mode.

Now, if you are on the FB, you know how much time one account can suck up your time. Multiply it by 4 and then some. I probably spend 2-3 hours a day playing this fucking game. I'm obsessed. I can't stop. I'm completely aware of how unproductive this is and that it is taking time away from things I should be doing, like working out, packing for NYC, reading plays, practicing my voice lesson, but I can't seem to stop.

I was in a workshop once where the leader said, "If you want to work on your art, work on your life." She totally paraphrased that from someone else and made no bones about it, but the quote has stuck with me ever since. I'm pretty sure this game is an area of my life I need to work on and by work on, I mean, get rid of.

I have told myself that once I reach a certain level, I will quit, but it seems that level was too high and it might still be weeks before I reach it. But I don't want to quit before I've reached my goal. And that's the thing! It's a completely imaginary goal, because it's just a game. It's not real life for heaven's sake.

I cannot believe that I am actually debating with myself about a stupid computer game, but I know that if I don't remove this ridiculous and unnecessary obsession from my life, I won't be able to achieve anything I really want to achieve.

Of all the addictions out there, I realize a silly facebook game is not the worst, but it's time to get serious. NYC is only 17 days away and if I'm going to make the most of my time there, I can't be locked in my room playing games for hours and hours. It's time to make a change.

Daily Activities for My Career:
It's been 11 days since I've posted, folks. I've worked out a few times, and opened a show. I've fallen off the wagon, but I will climb back on. I promise.

Oh, Humility ...

So ... I never take myself seriously, only the work that I do and even then, that's a stretch. I know that there are a thousand 30-something, short, pudgy, white girls out there that can belt higher and dance faster than me. But when I start to hear a lot of praise about the work I'm doing, I start to believe it.

Now, for the record, I was not getting a big head, but I was starting to feel pretty confident. That was until last night. Last night was "that" rehearsal. The one where actor and director butt heads because the director isn't communicating what she actually wants and keeps contradicting herself and the actor isn't speaking up about what she knows is appropriate for the character so she just gets frustrated and remains silent and looks like she's pulling some sort of diva silent treatment.

I got through my one scene without making scene, and as I was headed to my chair, the director, in front of the entire company says, "You're just going to have to really condition yourself for this number. You're gonna have to sing through it at least two times a day." I smiled, said okay and sat down. But I was so embarrassed and really wanted to say, "Hey, this isn't my first rodeo, Miss Thang. I know what it takes to do more than just one song in a musical. In fact, I've been singing this song every day for a month, so don't you, a woman who has never worked with me before, tell me, a professional actress, what she needs in order to prepare herself." I was livid. I wonder if I was a member of the union if she would say that to me? Does she feel the need to tell me this because (once again!) I'm not a member of Equity and therefore not "professional"!? Of course once the initial shock and anger quickly wore off, I was just left wondering, "Maybe I'm really not as good as people say. Are they really telling me the truth?"

Which led me to finally do something today that I have been thinking of doing for a while. It has come to my attention that when people meet me, they think I am younger, quieter and sweeter than I really am. Which is fine in real life, but that doesn't really help in theatre life, when I open my mouth to sing or act and they realize that I'm more mature and gutsier than they previously thought. So I decided to reach out to the local directors (the ones who I have auditioned for multiple times but who have never cast me), to see if they can shed some light on the situation. I am hoping to get some more information on how people perceive me when I walk into that audition room which will hopefully allow me to better prepare myself for the auditioning nightmares I've heard about in NYC.

I know I am a product, so I'm trying to make myself the most marketable product I can be. I sent out 4 emails to see if they will meet me to discuss. Let's see if they respond ...

Daily Activities for My Career:

• previously mentioned emails to directors for advice
• a voice over job (yeah, for real. good times!)