My Dirty Little Secret

So ... I realize what a horrible blogger I've been. I can blame it on this city that makes me lazy or the fact that I opened my show last night (more on that later), but really it's my own fault and lack of discipline. I started this blog as a way to keep myself accountable to doing something every day for my career and in interest of full disclosure and accountability, I'm going to use this post as a confessional.

I'm lazy. There I said it.

And I'm easily distracted.

And I have an addiction to Facebook. Specifically a FB game.

A lot of people joke that they are addicted to this FB or to the stupid games that are on there, but when I say I'm addicted, I mean it. I created a whole other FB account just to play more of this game. And then I created another. And another. That's right folks. I have four FB accounts just to play this one game. I'm well aware how sad and pathetic this makes me sound, but I told you, I'm in confession mode.

Now, if you are on the FB, you know how much time one account can suck up your time. Multiply it by 4 and then some. I probably spend 2-3 hours a day playing this fucking game. I'm obsessed. I can't stop. I'm completely aware of how unproductive this is and that it is taking time away from things I should be doing, like working out, packing for NYC, reading plays, practicing my voice lesson, but I can't seem to stop.

I was in a workshop once where the leader said, "If you want to work on your art, work on your life." She totally paraphrased that from someone else and made no bones about it, but the quote has stuck with me ever since. I'm pretty sure this game is an area of my life I need to work on and by work on, I mean, get rid of.

I have told myself that once I reach a certain level, I will quit, but it seems that level was too high and it might still be weeks before I reach it. But I don't want to quit before I've reached my goal. And that's the thing! It's a completely imaginary goal, because it's just a game. It's not real life for heaven's sake.

I cannot believe that I am actually debating with myself about a stupid computer game, but I know that if I don't remove this ridiculous and unnecessary obsession from my life, I won't be able to achieve anything I really want to achieve.

Of all the addictions out there, I realize a silly facebook game is not the worst, but it's time to get serious. NYC is only 17 days away and if I'm going to make the most of my time there, I can't be locked in my room playing games for hours and hours. It's time to make a change.

Daily Activities for My Career:
It's been 11 days since I've posted, folks. I've worked out a few times, and opened a show. I've fallen off the wagon, but I will climb back on. I promise.

Oh, Humility ...

So ... I never take myself seriously, only the work that I do and even then, that's a stretch. I know that there are a thousand 30-something, short, pudgy, white girls out there that can belt higher and dance faster than me. But when I start to hear a lot of praise about the work I'm doing, I start to believe it.

Now, for the record, I was not getting a big head, but I was starting to feel pretty confident. That was until last night. Last night was "that" rehearsal. The one where actor and director butt heads because the director isn't communicating what she actually wants and keeps contradicting herself and the actor isn't speaking up about what she knows is appropriate for the character so she just gets frustrated and remains silent and looks like she's pulling some sort of diva silent treatment.

I got through my one scene without making scene, and as I was headed to my chair, the director, in front of the entire company says, "You're just going to have to really condition yourself for this number. You're gonna have to sing through it at least two times a day." I smiled, said okay and sat down. But I was so embarrassed and really wanted to say, "Hey, this isn't my first rodeo, Miss Thang. I know what it takes to do more than just one song in a musical. In fact, I've been singing this song every day for a month, so don't you, a woman who has never worked with me before, tell me, a professional actress, what she needs in order to prepare herself." I was livid. I wonder if I was a member of the union if she would say that to me? Does she feel the need to tell me this because (once again!) I'm not a member of Equity and therefore not "professional"!? Of course once the initial shock and anger quickly wore off, I was just left wondering, "Maybe I'm really not as good as people say. Are they really telling me the truth?"

Which led me to finally do something today that I have been thinking of doing for a while. It has come to my attention that when people meet me, they think I am younger, quieter and sweeter than I really am. Which is fine in real life, but that doesn't really help in theatre life, when I open my mouth to sing or act and they realize that I'm more mature and gutsier than they previously thought. So I decided to reach out to the local directors (the ones who I have auditioned for multiple times but who have never cast me), to see if they can shed some light on the situation. I am hoping to get some more information on how people perceive me when I walk into that audition room which will hopefully allow me to better prepare myself for the auditioning nightmares I've heard about in NYC.

I know I am a product, so I'm trying to make myself the most marketable product I can be. I sent out 4 emails to see if they will meet me to discuss. Let's see if they respond ...

Daily Activities for My Career:

• previously mentioned emails to directors for advice
• a voice over job (yeah, for real. good times!)
  

Patience, My Dear

So ... when I was younger, my mother thought I had ADHD because I was a "wiggle worm", couldn't sit still and asked endless questions usually beginning with "why?". My father was a little less worried about my spastic behavior and would always just respond with "Patience, my dear."

I have been auditioning in my hometown for the last 3 years (not counting that year back in '01 before I decided to ditch the town for the city of Chicago) and I've finally been cast. And it's going really well. It has shown me just how long it takes before people start to know who you are and will give you a chance (valuable lesson to learn before moving to a town where it's even harder to be given a chance).

But I realized I had been bitching a lot (too much, really) about not getting cast here and I was starting to become a little jaded about the whole thing. I went into rehearsals really guarded. I didn't really talk to anyone those first few days of rehearsal because I had a chip on my shoulder. It's not my fellow actors' fault I'm not being cast here, so why should I bring all of my bitter baggage into rehearsal and dump it onto them?!

Thankfully, the people involved with show saw through my psuedo facade and are starting to compliment me on the work I'm doing in rehearsals and asking me for my story, why haven't they seen me in shows around town before. If response to my performance is this nice just during rehearsals, I wonder what it will be like in performance (that is, if I stay on my game).

I'm a little humbled by all of the praise, but ashamed that I had such an ill opinion of the community here. I know it was just my jealousy and bitterness talking, but it's a good lesson for me. Less bitching. Less worrying about what other people are getting that I'm "not". More focus on what I can do to improve me. More focus on remaining positive. Less bitching. Period.

Daily Activities for My Career:
Thursday: sadly, nothing. I'm lazy here.
Friday: Attending more shows at our Fringe Fest. Meeting local theatre people, networking (still hate that word)
Saturday: working on voice over job for Monday, research on show

Soft. And not just in the belly.

So … not only I am a really bad blogger but apparently I’m also lazy. I blame my hometown. There is something about this city that makes me soft, unmotivated, defeated.

Two years ago, when I graduated from grad school, I thought this was where I should plant some roots. There is a great theatre scene here, much better than when I left for college at 18. But for as much theatre as there is, it’s an incredibly closed town. I was at a callback last December and I swear I felt like I was back in high school. The popular kids were those actors that get cast all of the time, the kids that wanna hang out with the popular kids are the actors who are trying so desperately to get noticed that they laugh way too loud at the popular kids’ jokes. And then there’s me, the fat smelly new kid who eats by herself at lunch. No one talked to me at this callback, because I had never done a show in this town, I was not cool.

Now, I am in rehearsal for a show in this town and even this feel like high school. Again, the popular kids don’t talk to us new kids (one called me by the wrong name today), and everyone talks while other people are working, or while the director is talking and it feels like no one takes anything seriously. People work in this town because they have worked in this town before and nothing keeps them scared or hungry to improve because they know they will get cast somewhere. And to me, that is death as an artist, an actor. As soon as you get comfortable, you coast. You don’t challenge yourself to be better and all you will be is mediocre.

So what have done for my career since the last post. Practice my song, researched my character, learned my lines. But I would do all of that with any show. Maybe I haven’t done anything for my career lately, because in this town, there is nothing to do … ?

Daily Activities for My Career:
Monday - practice voice lesson, first rehearsal (does that count?)
Tuesday - went to see a friend’s one-man show, was inspired to continue writing my own one-person show, but I’m lazy and played on facebook instead
Wednesday - weighed myself. Yeah, finally joined weight watchers so I can maybe try to be marketable as an actor and not stuck somewhere between attractive leading lady and fat next door neighbor.

Whoops

So ... apparently, I've turned to the blogger that annoys me the most: the one who never updates her blog. But I like to think I have good reason. I moved out of my sublet and drive 900 miles back to my hometown to start a show (more on this in coming posts, I promise). But that doesn't mean I haven't been doing things for my career. No, I haven't been a total slacker.

But as the precedence was set last Sunday, today is a day of rest (rest from the bitching about acting in my case), and it's a day to give thanks. I am thankful that I finally been cast in a show in my hometown so all of my family can come see me perform. And I'm thankful for the opportunity to prove to this community that yes, I do belong on its stages! And I'm thankful that after two and a half months of no job, I will start rehearsals tomorrow!!!

Daily Activities for My Career:
Wednesday - started the drive home, reconnected with professors and fellow students from grad school.
Thursday - reconnecting with my dear friend and mentor, Martha, finished the drive
Friday - auditioned for local dinner theatre
Saturday - wrote and sent thank you notes to dinner theatre, updated audition journal

Worth the Wait

So ... After 2 and a half years, 13 shows, more than 25,000 miles of driving, 70 new Facebook friends, 6 new BFFs and an average of $200/week, I am finally going to be a professional actor. That's right, I am finally joining Actor's Equity Association (for those of you don't know, it's the union for actors and stage managers). This is a major step for anyone who is trying to be an actor and I consider it to be a major accomplishment. I am even more excited about this since it comes with a job! Yep, I was cast in The 39 Steps for a theatre and a director that I love, love, love and it will be my first Equity job.

Now some of you may have noticed I said I was going to finally be "a professional." Apparently even though I was getting paid to act for the last 2.5 years AND all of the theatres put me up in housing and many paid for my transportation, I still wasn't considered a professional because I wasn't in the union.

I have been called a "non-pro" on several occasions including by an artistic director who I had worked for AND by a representative from Equity. I find this interesting since some of the "professionals" I have worked with play jokes on stage to make their fellow actors break character, phone in their performances, constantly complain, tattle on castmates they don't like, treat the crew like servants or just completely disregard union rules. And people wonder why I've been hesitant to join this "professional union".

Now I know that these few jackasses are just that. A few. They're not representative of the whole. The majority are hard-working artists who care deeply about their fellow actor and the craft of acting and these are the people I am proud to join. I am proud, too, that I have worked really hard for this and have made it to 50 weeks of Equity work and have a strong resume full of good solid work with respected theatres.

I also said in the past that I didn't want to move to NYC if I wasn't Equity and now, the two are happening at the same time. Kind of makes me think it's all meant to be!

Daily Activities for My Career:

• Monday - calling AEA and starting the process to join the union
• Tuesday - Voice Lesson and recording audition notes into my actor journal

Day of Rest

So ... maybe this is just my way of justifying not doing anything for my career today, but I strongly believe in a day of rest and today was that day for me. So instead of looking for auditions or sending emails or annoying my upstairs neighbors with screeching my way through a voice lesson, I've decided to just give thanks. It's a very churchy thing to do I suppose, but it is Sunday and while you can take the girl out of the conservative, Christian, Red state, you can't take the ... well, you know.

Today, on my day of rest, I went to IKEA to meet my friend who lives only a few hours from me. We are both moving soon and looking for new furniture for our respective new adventures. He and I did "The Boys Next Door" several summers ago and have stayed good friends ever since. He is extremely supportive of me and has traveled to see a lot of my shows over the last few years. He's very talented, driven, supportive, funny, kind and an all-around fantastic human being.

But as I was driving home from our Swedish excursion (complete with Apple cake and Lingonberry juice! yum!), I thought about the many people I've met in my travels and how I'm still friends with so many of them to this day. I can travel to Seattle, LA, San Francisco, Texas, Florida, Virginia, Philly, Chicago, North Carolina, Georgia, the whole state of OH, Indianapolis, or Des Moines and in each of these locations, or somewhere along the way, will be a good friend waiting to catch up over some food and a beer (or 10).

Now I'm not writing this to say, "Wow, look how popular I am." For as many friends as I have in my life, there are just as many who never wanna see my fat face again. I've been a stupid, drunk bitch way too many times. But I'm thankful that there are a smattering of people around this great country that are willing to answer my phone call and meet to catch up.

I am thankful for my friends. And if you're reading this, you're probably one of them. So thank YOU! I hope I am as good a friend you as you are to me!